I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
