Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
