ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
