Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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