woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
