I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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