Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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