Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
