I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We are all done wearing pants today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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