I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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