I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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