I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
