my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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