After last night, I could never be a politician.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
