Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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