Michael Bay diarrhea
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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