I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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