how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
