peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
