my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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