You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
