she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
