he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
