My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
