somebody snuck up and got me drunk
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
