please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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