Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
