Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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