My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
