um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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