two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
