Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
