Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I love having hate sex.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize