My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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