Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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