Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
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