Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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