I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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