not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
