This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
