Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
