I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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