I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
