I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
be right there i have to get my cape
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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