buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
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My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
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I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Dear god my vagina.
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