WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
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I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
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I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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