if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have tasted many bathrooms
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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