put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
