DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i think i just lost a toe
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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