so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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