She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
