i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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