11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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