i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
