i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
