You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
